Nothing like a good old-fashioned home invasion, robbery and grand theft auto to knock the urge to blog right out of a person. In fact, I’m not sure it has returned yet. So instead of a long rambling hysterical post, I have created a list of dos and don’ts to remember the next time you are a victim of idiotic hooligans. Consider it my PSA.
To stay sane after a robbery…
*….DON’T be on the other side of the continent when your home is broken into. In the same vein, avoid being robbed the day before a major holiday. You won’t be able to get home.
*…DON’T leave your second set of keys hanging on the coat rack while you are enjoying your vacation. The thieves will definitely steal your car.
*…DON’T end up with 3 cases, 3 detectives, countless police officers, and 2 junk yards. More law enforcement is not better after the fact.
*…DON’T immediately call your homeowners insurance if you have a high deductible policy. It may not be worth all the time and research you put into making a claim. Wait until you see the destruction with your own eyes.
*…DON’T let the newbie officer fingerprint your house. She will cause more damage than the thieves.
*…DON’T come home at 2 in the morning after a day of exhausting travel with exhausted kids and wander around your destroyed house mumbling “holyshitholyshitholyshit”. Your children will never sleep again.
To stay sane after a robbery …
*…DO have loyal neighbors who will call the cops when they notice your back door is open, or clean up the recycling strewn across your street when they notice the thieves ran over the bin during their meth-addled crime spree.
*…DO play the various police officers and detectives off each other. Not only does it speed up the process, it’s entertaining.
*…DO call your car insurance the moment you find out your vehicle has been wrapped around a tree.
*…DO visit the tree. Note, with satisfaction, that the tree won. Hope the thieves broke their noses and are hemorrhaging internally.
*…DO call pest control. When the back door is open for 2 days in the middle of summer, bugs tend to think they have squatters’ rights.
*…DO buy a shiny new-ish car that goes zoom.
*… and (most importantly) DO have fantastic friends and family who will come to your house to deal with the police, barricade the crowbarred back door, bring home anything else the thieves might come back for, help fix the A/C (because it will totally go out in the middle of everything else), set up playdates for your kids who are grouchy from nightmare-induced sleeplessness, buy you a bottle of scotch to replace the one stolen, offer real and virtual hugs, and listen to your bitching.