Nothing like a good old-fashioned home invasion, robbery and grand theft auto to knock the urge to blog right out of a person. Â In fact, I’m not sure it has returned yet. Â So instead of a long rambling hysterical post, I have created a list of dos and don’ts to remember the next time you are a victim of idiotic hooligans. Â Consider it my PSA.
To stay sane after a robbery…
*….DON’T be on the other side of the continent when your home is broken into. Â In the same vein, avoid being robbed the day before a major holiday. Â You won’t be able to get home.
*…DON’TÂ leave your second set of keys hanging on the coat rack while you are enjoying your vacation. Â The thieves will definitely steal your car.
*…DON’TÂ end up with 3 cases, 3 detectives,Â countless police officers, and 2 junk yards. Â More law enforcement is not better after the fact.
*…DON’TÂ immediately call your homeowners insurance if you have a high deductible policy. Â It may not be worth all the time and research you put into making a claim. Â Wait until you see the destruction with your own eyes.
*…DON’TÂ let the newbie officer fingerprint your house. Â She will cause more damage than the thieves.
*…DON’TÂ come home at 2 in the morning after a day of exhausting travel with exhausted kids and wander around your destroyed house mumbling “holyshitholyshitholyshit”. Â Your children will never sleep again.
To stay sane after a robbery …
*…DO have loyal neighbors who will call the cops when they notice your back door is open, or clean up the recycling strewn across your street when they notice Â the thieves ran over the bin during their meth-addledÂ crime spree.
*…DOÂ play the various Â police officersÂ and detectivesÂ off each other. Â Not only does it speed up the process, it’s entertaining.
*…DOÂ call your car insurance the moment you find out your vehicle has been wrapped around a tree.
*…DOÂ visit the tree. Â Note, with satisfaction, that the tree won. Â Hope the thieves broke their noses and areÂ hemorrhaging internally.
*…DOÂ call pest control. Â When the back door is open for 2 days in the middle of summer, bugs tend to think they have squatters’ rights.
*…DOÂ buy a shiny new-ish car that goes zoom.
*… and (most importantly) DOÂ have Â fantastic friends and family who will come to your house to deal with the police,Â barricadeÂ the crowbarred back door, Â bring home anything else the thieves might come back for, help fix the A/C (because it will totally go out in the middle of everything else), set up playdates for your kids who are grouchy from nightmare-inducedÂ sleeplessness,Â Â buy you a bottle of scotch to replace the one stolen, offer real and virtual hugs, and listen to your bitching.