I want a (free) personal shopper

Here’s the thing: I HATE shopping.  I would rather go to the gym, or the dentist, than the mall.  The air in department stores gives me an instant headache.  And the clothes are so awful.  Why is everything tight and covered in sparkles? I am way too old to dress like a slutty teenager. Why is the fabric now so thin we are forced to layer? I hate layering.  Why are the ’80’s back? I’m sorry, but no one looks good in skinny jeans… not even skinny people.

And so I add to my wardrobe just about as often as Texas schools get funding.  If it wasn’t for my mom giving me her castoffs, I would be dressed in rags. (That’s not as lame as it sounds, since my mom has much more fashion sense than I do. )  What I would really love is if we all just wore uniforms.  Or, had one outfit for work and one for fancy occasions, like Laura Ingalls.  Or the branded roll of plastic outfits, like in Idiocracy.  Just  imagine how much time we’d save without all that laundry.  Just imagine the demise of the sweatshop clothing factory.  Surely we can make a case for killing the fashion industry in the name of social justice.  No?

No.  That will never fly.  Clothing is self expression, fashion is art, blah blah blah.  And how else will we know who is uber-hip or hopelessly uncool?  I guess I must go shopping.  The truth is, I have exactly 3 t-shirts without kid-induced stains.  I wear these with my one pair of jeans or one of my 2 pairs of capris.  I have 5 skirts, but my 5 shirts only match 2 of them.  And lets not mention the unmentionables… except to say that I haven’t bought a new bra since Graham quit nursing years ago.  (Yes, mamas, I see you out there, shaking your heads in disbelief.)

So this is the sorry state of my (walk-in?) closet.

On the top right rack are Rob’s shirts.  Below that is a mini set of drawers and my shirts.  About a quarter of the left side is Rob’s slacks.  A quarter is my lonely skirts.  The last half is the ironing board and a mix of clothes I will most likely never wear: my wedding dress, 2 suits, dress slacks, a kimono, etc.

Clearly what I need is a personal shopper.  I just want someone to buy a bunch of crap that doesn’t suck and also doesn’t fit only women shaped like 13 year old boys, bring the purchases home to me, babysit the kids while I try everything on, tell me I look great, and return the unwanted items.  Surely I am not the only one out there who would love this service.  Couldn’t we just pool our resources and hire them?  Failing that, we will just have to all band together to start a Laura Ingalls trend by wearing one gingham dress and an apron all week.  Who’s with me?

Sunday is wash day.


6 responses to “I want a (free) personal shopper”

  1. Mom

    Yes! Please!

  2. Amber Jackson

    OMG I am sooooo with you! Add to the mix the fact that I am currently in that lovely stage where my maternity clothes are ALL too big (and most are falling apart anyway) but I can’t squeeze into the vast majority of my pre-baby clothes either. I am down to oversized – as well as stained and/or ripped – T-shirts, sweatpants and one skirt. It’s a great skirt and all, but I can’t wear it every day (though I appear to be attempting to prove that incorrect).

    One of the great things about Sandpoint was that there was really just one place to buy clothes – if they didn’t have anything, you didn’t buy anything and were done. I could handle my own shopping if it was more like that – small mom&pop shop with limited, but well chosen, selection. Until I find a place like that around here my wardrobe will continue to be added to twice a year – when my mom gives me something for Christmas and then my birthday. That’s assuming she keeps doing so … she hates clothes shopping as much as I do …

    As for Sunday being wash day – that would be awesome! Around these parts, it’s pretty much all day everyday.

  3. Cecil

    Oh, Ladies – it doesn’t get any easier…sorry! Just because one turns 60, doesn’t mean one is willing to wear pink, polka dotted polyester for God’s sake! I so agree about the fabrics and the layering…so what are the hookers wearing these days?? I’ve succumbed to the work ‘uniform’ – black or tan pants (waist-high…no muffin tops for this old broad…ugh!) and a half dozen each of white and black tops. Buy yourself a snappy pair of red Keens and a colored leather bag/purse with a bit of bling (no more diaper bags!), and you’re set.
    Make your own style/fashion – have fun – be comfortable…
    Gook Luck!

  4. Amber

    Sister, you are singing my song. I hate shopping so much. And I have no idea what looks good on my body. And I despise trying things on. If you find a good, cheap personal shopper who doesn’t make you try things on, then I’m in. Love it.

  5. Erica

    I am on board. Merritt and I have been talking about wearing robes or jumpsuits for over a decade now. We hardly ever leave our homes any way so who cares, right? My wardrobe is about comfort and utility. Get the job done without catching on fire via drape-y sleeves or sequins.
    I do suggest going to an H&M. They are relatively inexpensive for their colors knits with flattering necklines. Not too tight. Not too loose. It is an adult Old Navy, a less expensive Gap, and a not-so-trendy Urban Outfitter. I spent $30 bucks and got 4 tops (too long sleeve, 2 short) that I wear nearly daily. In terms of bottoms, I just don’t wear any. 🙂 Ha

  6. Mom/Aunt Ann/Friend

    LMAO!! It is all so true. I hadn’t heard “muffin tops” before but it is right on! I can’t even find jeans with a waist high enough to cover the crack-of-dawn on my backside let alone padding above it! Which is why I’ve come to love sweats.

    We share your pain Cheris!!

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